This week saw critics pan the latest Dan Brown thriller, Inferno, the Guardian included. Can you match the following scathing critiques to the one-star films that received them? ”Napalms the screen with waves of pornographic consumerist vulgarity…dredged directly from Tinseltown’s festering scrotum.” Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Entourage The Intern Ted 2 "The whole dreary business drags interminably on, with not a single amusing or ingenious idea in its echoing metal head: a cynical franchisebot, machine-tooled to clank into cinemas and gouge money out of people." Avengers: Age of Ultron Iron Man 3 Transformers: Age of Extinction Terminator Genisys "Could be one of those rare and terrifying serial killer cases where the psychotic culprit apparently intends to bore and embarrass everyone to death with bad acting." Solace Child 44 Regression Criminal "Blanchett gives a toe-curlingly awful and Razzie-worthy turn in this tiresome aria of liberal self-pity and self-importance." Carol Truth Knight of Cups Notes on a Scandal "As subtle as a swastika." Black Book Valkyrie Defiance Remember "It’s less a movie than preposterous self-hagiography, more appropriate for Scientology or the Rev Sun Myung Moon. As cinema it is excrement. As proof of corporate insanity it is a valuable case study." United Passions Grace of Monaco Alexander Goal! "It is the follow-up that nobody much wanted to the film that nobody much liked, resulting in something even more visually elaborate and boring, and about which the number of tosses that can be reasonably given is lower than ever." Thor: The Dark World Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice The Huntsman: Winter's War The Matrix Revolutions "One of the most cancerously patronising romantic comedies of all time." The Wedding Planner Sex and the City 27 Dresses My Big Fat Greek Wedding "This depressingly vulgar bromance left me longing for the days when mainstream comedy had more to offer than a bunch of middle-aged men morosely playing with their dicks." Horrible Bosses 2 Bad Words Dumb and Dumber To Daddy's Home "Basically Team America: World Police without the jokes, and with more wooden acting." White House Down G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra Iron Man London Has Fallen Continue reading...
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