8.36pm BST
36 min: Emenike's aimless cross is headed away. There was no one in the middle. Nigeria need more focus.
8.35pm BST
34 min: Iran have their first corner. Teymourian's persistence forcing an error out of Musa. Dejagah swings it into the six-yard box where Ghoochannejhad's header is brilliantly kept out by Enyeama. What a save! Not only did he push it away, but he pushed it away from goal, ensuring that no Iran player could follow up on the rebound.
8.32pm BST
31 min: A free-kick to Nigeria on the left, around 40 yards from goal. Musa trots along to take it and everyone's waiting for a cross to the far post. Yet he spots that Haghighi has left a massive gap at his near post and tries to catch out the Iran goalkeeper with an audacious effort. The execution is impressive but Haghighi reacts well to fly across his goal and push it behind. The corner comes to nothing. "Way to go, Jacob you found the one way to offend an American soccer fan," says Jim Prouix. "I would wager that a percentage down in the single digits of our little community ever drink Coors Light. Unlike the two pints of lager and a packet of crisps English fan, American soccer fans drink real, American craft (micro-brew) beer of every imaginable color, flavor and stripe. Insult me. Insult my football team. Insult MLS. But dont you dare insult my American IPA."
We're talking your Buds, your Bud lights, your Millers, right?
8.30pm BST
30 min: There's not much going on. Which means that the only way is up! Stay positive.
8.29pm BST
29 min: Oboabona's race is run. He can't continue because of that ankle injury. On comes Joseph Yobo, who's making his 98th appearance for Nigeria.
8.28pm BST
28 min: I suppose I should point out that I am an expert on all things American. Well, all things west coast. I don't want you to think I know nothing about the land of hope and glory.
8.27pm BST
26 min: Iran are defending quite deeply now. Nigeria are struggling to pick their way through. They need to be patient, not force the issue. Their decision-making in the final third has been found wanting on too many occasions. "I note that while Oliver Pattenden insists that at least one person has referred to it as "FIFA" per day (and I assume, as a good Guardian reader, he is an honest person), he has not said it's a different philistine each time," says James Hupp. "Perhaps he has one coworker who knows it annoys him. (Come to think of it, this could be true whatever the number.) In any event, I've never heard someone use that term for anything other than the EA video game or international governing body, and I'm, well.... :)"
8.25pm BST
24 min: Oboabona returns. He's going to give it a go. "As an Iranian-American, I don't know what I've found more disappointing - the insinuation that I'm a buffoon who apparently must refer to the World Cup as "the FIFA" while guzzling Coors Light or David Boyle's comment implying that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is still the president of Iran," says Mehrun Etebari. "Update your knowledge of other countries, people! Perhaps I'm pedantic, but imagine a world in which everyone associates you with Margaret Thatcher, Jacob."
My middle name is Margaret for a reason.
8.24pm BST
23 min: Oboabona hasn't come back on yet.
8.22pm BST
22 min: If I walk into the bar and shout "SPRING BREAK" and pull my shirt over my head, everyone will think I'm a laugh riot, won't they?
8.22pm BST
21 min: Nigeria are momentarily down to 10 men. Oboabona has gone off on a stretcher. "Firstly, you misspelled favorite," honks Gary Blunk. "No Coors Light is not that. Try some Arrogant Bastard Ale."
8.21pm BST
20 min: Another stoppage in play. Nigeria's centre-back, Oboabona, is down after an awkward landing. He might have twisted his ankle. It could be Joseph Yobo time. Unless Stephen Keshi decides to go for broke and brings on Shola Ameobi.
8.19pm BST
18 min: A lull. Iran are making it a bit more difficult for Nigeria now. They've sorted out their shape. The game has grown quite scrappy in the last few minutes. "Give the lad a season at Liverpool to put himself in the shop window and he barely lifts a finger," says Alistair Reece. "Put him in a Nigeria shirt and he plays like a man possessed. What gives Victor?" Maybe he was overawed by playing alongside Iago Aspas. Speaking of whom, why isn't he in the Spain squad?
8.17pm BST
17 min: Actually I'm quite excited about the USA game later, as I'm going to watch it in an American bar in London. As such, can someone advise me about suitable behaviour? You all drink Coors Light, right? That's your favourite?
8.15pm BST
15 min: I'm enjoying Nigeria. That is all.
8.14pm BST
14 min: A lot of Americans are emailing me. Is something happening later on? They seem giddy about something.
8.13pm BST
13 min: Iran are struggling to contain Moses. He drives to the left byline but just runs the ball out of play before crossing. Moses could do with a good World Cup after a fitful season on loan at Liverpool. He's an interesting talent, but his future is almost certainly not at Chelsea.
8.12pm BST
12 min: Onazi is back on. "I've never heard the tournament (or the sport) called 'FIFA' in the States before this World Cup, and I do think it's purely people who are tuning in for the first time, or who maybe pay attention to football once every four years," says Oliver Pattenden. "But I've still had at least one person a day so far do it. This morning, for example, a coworker emailed me: 'Any online links where FIFA will be streamed? :)'. The smiley face in the email lets you know it's from an authentic American."
8.11pm BST
9 min: Nigeria go so close again! Iran weren't able to clear properly after that first attack and Onazi's low slitherer from the edge of the area went inches wide! He seemed to injure himself as he was shooting, but he should be okay to continue after some treatment. "Spare a thought for the broadcast commentators on this one, those team sheets are going to require some top-level stuff from the play-by-play guys," says Daniel Stauss. Spare a thought for me.
8.10pm BST
8 min: Nigeria are utterly dominant. Iran can't cope with their cut and thrust up front. Emenike bursts past Moses on the left, effortlessly beating the hapless Hosseini, before sliding a low ball into the six-yard box. Somehow Musa can't convert under pressure at the far post. Iran are living dangerously. They should be behind. And...
8.08pm BST
7 min, the sequel: The ball is in the Iran net but the whistle had long gone for a foul on Haghighi by Mikel, challenging the goalkeeper as they went up for a corner. The ball dropped to Musa, who stabbed it into the roof of the net, but I think Iran's players had already stopped. That said, Haghighi was lucky. Mikel didn't do a lot.
8.07pm BST
7 min: What an atmosphere, by the way. Everyone's determined to have a fabulous time. I've never seen a Mexican Wave so early.
8.06pm BST
6 min: John Obi Mikel is quarter-backing with extreme efficiency, trying to hit long diagonal balls over the top for the dangerous Emenike. He's the player David Beckham wanted to be. "Im American," announces Becky Kraft. "Ive even left work to watch World Cup games with other Americans. I have never, ever heard someone call it FIFA. That being said, one of my co-workers wasnt sure if (a) the World Cup is a regular thing, (b) if we, like, dominate that business, and (c) if that magic spray is really magic."
8.05pm BST
5 min: But here come Iran, Dejagah in space on the left. Not for long, though. He loses possession to Musa, who speeds off up the right. Nigeria won't want to tire themselves out too early.
8.03pm BST
3 min: Nigeria have started well. They're buzzing around in the Iran half with a ferocious intensity. Moses makes a nuisance of himself on the edge of the area, wheeling away from a marker and driving a low shot straight at Haghighi.
8.02pm BST
2 min: There's plenty of action in my inbox concerning Oliver Pattenden's Fifa comment. "No," says Kenneth Grabach. "I live in the States, have done my whole life. I've been following the World Cup since 1994. I've never heard any of them in that time referred to as "the FIFA" or to a match in a tournament as "a FIFA". But then, although I'm a bit older than the North American demographic for football (or soccer, there's a bit of weirdness going on over whether it's properly football or soccer. I thought the answer to that question was, "Yes") I am in touch with many younger men who avidly follow a Premier League club, an MLS club, and the USA Men's Team."
8.01pm BST
The huddles are done and we are off! Iran, kicking from right to left in the first half, get the game underway. We wait 45 seconds for the first foul, committed by Dejagah on Ambrose. Less of that, please.
8.00pm BST
Both sides are doing huddles. Does that mean they'll cancel each other out? Is that how this works? We're in serious danger of seeing the first draw of this World Cup now. "Thankfully, I haven't heard anyone talk about a "FIFA match" but if they are, blame us Americans and our irrational love of acronyms over any fondness for the organization itself," says Carl Swanson. "We're just ready to welcome everyone back in 2022 when, unsavory organizations and all."
7.56pm BST
Iran once sent a monkey into space. What's not to love about them? (Warning: clip contains grown-up language.)
7.54pm BST
Here come the teams. Oh, here they come! Nigeria are in green, Iran are in white and there's plenty of excitement in the stands as they emerge. "The Tehran Tigers v The Lagos Lions," says David Boyle. "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad v Goodluck Jonathan. The Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla v The Nigerian Prince's. What's not to like?"
7.49pm BST
"Living in the States during a World Cup is always fascinating, but this year is even more curious," says Oliver Pattenden. "For whatever reason (presumably the same predilection for sporting acronyms that leads them to instead on calling it the Premier League the 'EPL'), almost every American I know who has shown any remote interest in the World Cup has referenced the tournament as 'FIFA'. E.G. 'Do you know a good place to watch FIFA?' or 'Is there a FIFA game today?'. Is anyone else experiencing this? Is it a coincidence that as the rest of the world rejects FIFA as a bloated, corrupt, outdated, neocolonialist fraud, the Yanks have become somewhat fond of it?"
Does anyone refer to it as Pro Evo or Sensible Soccer?
7.48pm BST
"I like the idea of an MBM taking on the personality of the MBMer based on the quality of the match," says Daniel Stauss. "Personally, I prefer a high intensity match so that fewer emails have the chance to be Glendenninged, because he can be a bit mean-spirited at times. Since I don't use Twitter, I'll never be Parker'd during a US or MLS match.And I know it's cliché, but I'm pretending to work in my soul-eating cube today."
The MBMs that I do tend be witty, handsome, engaging, etc.
7.30pm BST
"Can we do an obo of what people are pretending to do while people are actually following your mbm," says Jeremy Dresner. "I'm pretending to watch game of thrones with mates while keeping my eye on your steinbergian utterances. I secretly want it to be a bad game so I don't feel like I missed out. It will be more steinbergian if there is less going on anyway."
I'm pretending to be a journalist. Don't tell anyone, I don't think they've clocked on, I think I'm getting away with this.
7.28pm BST
Shola Ameobi has scored against Barcelona. You haven't.
7.24pm BST
"The good thing about Nigeria's World Cup exits is that we always have someone to blame, we never have to deal with a general inadequacy," says Ore Popoola. "Last World Cup was Sani Kaita, who decided to be stupid and earned himself a red card in the penultimate match against Greece while we were up 1-0. We ended up losing 2-1, he's not played for us since then. And also Yakubu Aiyegbeni for THAT miss against South-Korea in the final match. I thought I was going crazy. He's not played for us also since then. 2006 World Cup, we didn't qualify, 2002, I only remember Ronaldo's hair style (can we even call it that??). I've been traumatized. 1998, I was probably still in diapers."
But they'll always have that win over Spain in 1998.
7.22pm BST
Sammy Ameobi is pleased.
Hahaha yes Shols...go Nigeria!!! http://t.co/fKFStXioxt
7.17pm BST
Iran: Haghighi; Montazeri, Hosseini, Sadeghi, Pooladi; Hajsafi, Nekounam, Teymourian, Dejagah; Ghoochannejhad, Heydari. Subs: Ahmadi, Shojaei, Haghighi, Reza Jahanbakhsh, Ansarifard, Haddadifa, Mahini, Alenemeh, Rahmani, Beikzadeh, Beitashour, Davari/
Nigeria: Enyeama; Ambrose, Oboabona, Omerou, Oshaniwa; Mikel, Onazi, Azeez, Moses; Musa, Emenike. Subs: Yobo, Uzoenyi, Gabriel, Egwuekwe, Odemwingie, Odunlami, Ejide, Babatunde, Nwofor, Uchebo, Agbim, Ameobi
6.30pm BST
Iran v Nigeria. Nigeria v Iran. Iran v Nigeria. Nigeria v Iran. Iran versus Nigeria. Nigeria versus Iran. Iran against Nigeria. Nigeria against Iran. Iran take on Nigeria. Nigeria take on Iran. Nigeria v Iran. NIGERIA V IRAN. STEPHEN KESHI VERSUS CARLOS QUEIROZ. No, whatever way you try to spin this one, it's a hard sell.
Or at least it would be in normal circumstances. That's been the beauty of this World Cup. It's not been a normal World Cup and while this looks like one of the more unappealing fixtures on paper, a chance for you to reintroduce yourself to polite society, maybe have a shower, get dressed, shave, have something to eat that doesn't require a complementary dip, let's not be hasty and judge a book by its cover. We haven't had a bad game yet even Switzerland and Ecuador provided us with a last-minute winner so there's no reason to dismiss Iran and Nigeria, just because. I trust them. And if all else fails, we could be about to witness Carl Cort's Kieran Gibbs' Shola Ameobi's World Cup debut. At last.
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