Four nations have withdrawn from the 2013 competition because they are too cash-strapped to enter – and fear the cost of hosting 2014 if they win
Age: 58.
Appearance: Like Jane Norman threw up on a TV studio and the local tanning salon tried to disguise the mess by spraying everything that moved orange.
Oh God, I thought we'd had this year's already? Didn't we? Or did I just hallucinate it? I sort of think I do every year, but then it is in the papers the next day and I think, well, OK, it must have been real. Calm yourself. 2012's singing contest-slash-evening of subtle geopolitical manoeuvring played out through tactical voting and sequins is safely over.
Oh, praise the Lord and pass the TV listings. Why are we even mentioning this evening of wishes-it-were-high-camp-instead-of-utterly-tedious-dross, then? Because countries are pulling out of 2013's competition.
What, all of them? Hang on, let me get my party poppers out … Not so fast. So far, it's only four. Greece, Portugal, Cyprus and Poland.
Still, it's a start! Why are they pulling out? Can't face the humiliation of NEVER WINNING, eh? Except Greece, once, in 2005. For someone who professes to disdain the event, you seem remarkably well informed.
I'm a patriot. From a country that has won FOUR TIMES and has the world's only successful pop export industry! I can revel in victory while snarking at the means used to secure it. That's what British patriotism means. Well, they're pulling out because they say spending £100,000 on the entrance fee would be "morally wrong" (Greece) and "provocative" (Cyprus) when they are imposing harsh austerity measures on their citizens.
Plus, unless Nana Mouskouri dies and leaves her savings to the nation, they don't have that kind of cash anyway. That too. And if they won –
An unlikely event, if history teaches us anything. – they would be required to stage the 2014 event, at a cost of £60m.
Oh, that's right! I remember that documentary about how Ireland's seven wins nearly bankrupted the place – y'know, before the banks did – and they had to write a terrible song about a lovely horse to try to break their lucky streak. That was Father Ted. Though Spain's entrant this year said she was told to sing badly on purpose so they wouldn't have to host next year's (she later said she was misquoted).
Father Ted has started making sense in real life? Try not to think about it. It creates a jangling disharmony in the soul. Much like – well, you know how this line ends.
Do say: "My lovely horse!/Running through the fields!/My lovely horse!/Running through the fields!"
Don't say: "Hi – we're the next Abba!"
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