Last night: Big Band Night. Tonight: Olly Murs, Nicole Scherzinger, Band Aid 30 and the death of a dream. Stuart Heritage is your guide. 8.26pm GMT So, the final three are Jay James, Only The Young and Stevi. Ones definitely safe. I hope its Only The Young, because otherwise that guy in the audience is going to be all like... 8.24pm GMT BEN CRAP ME A SAUSAGE HAENOW is also through. Nobody has shouted ONLY THE YOUNG for a while. I think hes probably been silenced by a... nope, there he is. 8.23pm GMT Ah. LAURENs through. I am a terrible predictor. 8.23pm GMT Oh, STEREO KICKS are through, too. In that case, I think that Laurens probably in the sing-off. 8.22pm GMT Andreas through too. Not a surprise. 8.22pm GMT FLEUR is through. ONLY THE YOUNG MAN is not happy. 8.22pm GMT And the really loud ONLY THE YOUNG man is back. I love him. 8.21pm GMT Yup, its time to do the first bit of the results. Jay and Stereo Kicks in the bottom two. Thats what Im predicting. 8.21pm GMT Were back! And the judges arent in their seats. This must mean... 8.20pm GMT There are more adverts. Ones for a Christmas advert where a reindeer poos in a childs face. It is already my favourite Christmas film of all time. 8.18pm GMT Also, as my wife just pointed out, its beginning to look a lot like November. 8.17pm GMT Heres a Christmas advert I havent seen, where Ant & Dec sing Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas. To be fair, I think I preferred the ones that cynically cashed in on real-life atrocities. 8.15pm GMT After the song, Nicole shouted the word pussy. Which is a step-up from balls at least. The woman is diversifying. 8.14pm GMT Right, this song is Nicole giving advice to the next girlfriend of her ex-boyfriend. Her advice is run, although Id like to add in Dont bellow the word Run over and over again all the time three inches from his face when hes trying to liveblog televised talent shows, because its incredibly distracting. 8.13pm GMT This song seems to suggest that Nicole isnt very happy with a boy. Part of that reason, if I heard her correctly, is that he poos you back in. This is not the time to discuss your weird fetishes, Nicole. Band Aid is on in a minute. Show some respect. 8.12pm GMT Ah, shes singing. Sort of. This isnt so much of a song as a woman complaining about her life while a cat walks across a piano in the background. Still, at least shes trapped in a sort of crystal ball thing, so at least she cant run out into the audience and bellow the word balls over and over again like she thinks she invented it, which she used to. 8.11pm GMT And now, the return of former X Factor judge turned professional yoghurt spokeswoman Nicole Scherzinger. I dont know whether shes going to sing or just spend three minutes espousing the values of Greek-style corner desserts, so thats exciting. 8.10pm GMT And thats the end of the recap. Brisk. I like that. 8.09pm GMT NO WAIT, THERES THE AUCTIONEER! He was hiding in the shadows, but he was definitely there. HIYA AUCTIONEER! 8.09pm GMT Also, Louis Walsh is doing all of the backstage reactions, even for acts who arent his. Id like to think that all the other judges gave him wedgies until he relented and promised to do them all. 8.08pm GMT Also we learn that Cheryls East End gangster turned auctioneer has disappeared. Poor man. His time in the limelight was fleeting. I hope hes got a Facebook page. 8.07pm GMT Now for the (hopefully less) Interminable Recap, where we learn that Andrea doesnt like being criticised. 8.06pm GMT The whole things descended into a hideous kind of conga line. Laurens at the front. She might be crying. Shes certainly make the noise of a crying person. Now for Andreas solo. Unfortunately its not the spoken-word interlude, though. Its the bit where Taylor Swift goes AWWWWWUUUUURRRRRRGH SHAAAAAAAAAAAYGH AWUUUUOOOOOOOO over and over again. Which Im not even sure was in the original, to be honest. 8.04pm GMT If I said that theyre doing Shake It Off, I apologise. Ive just heard them do the chorus and it appears that theyre actually doing Shake It Okk. 8.03pm GMT Worse, theyre doing Shake It Off. Please, please let Andrea do the spoken-word interlude. 8.03pm GMT Oh. Nope. Were still getting a group song. This is a mess of priorities, X Factor. A MESS. 8.02pm GMT But now, for the billionth time of my sodding life, lets meet the judges:LOUIS! Wearing something that looks a little like velour MELB! Wearing a bowtie CHERYL! Wearing her hair up all nice SIMON! Wearing about three acres of manky chest hair rash. 8.00pm GMT Heres Dermot. Backhand punch tonight. Hes mixing it up. Like a mad scientist of punch-mimes. 8.00pm GMT Wow, were not even getting a LARST NIYT recap because tonights show is so packed. They could probably have just shaved about 15 minutes off the recap to accommodate all the new features, but who am I to go around suggesting things willy-nilly? 7.58pm GMT ITS TIME! TO BE FIPPANT! ABOUT EBOLA! 7.30pm GMT Well hello again. Thanks for coming back for the Great X Factor Liveblog One-Hour Sunday Night Results Show Segment Extravaganza! If you can think of a snappier title for this bit, by the way, do let me know because Im already exhausted from typing that out.Anyway, youll be pleased to know that I had a word with myself earlier today, and as a result therell be none of that awful chummy enthusiasm that clogged up last nights liveblog. How could there be, when tonights guest performers are Olly Murs and Nicole Scherzinger? Thats just X Factor running out of ideas and eating its own tail. At this rate, next weeks performances are going to be by Kate Thornton and the Conway Sisters. In fact, I want next weeks performances to be by Kate Thornton and the Conway Sisters. 9.46pm GMT Anyway, thats it! Thats the end of Big Band Night! We made it! Thanks for all your comments, everyone, youre all very good and stuffNow, do join me back here tomorrow night at 8pm, because Olly Murs will be performing! Olly Murs! Olly Murs! Olly Murs! Im on Twitter at @StuHeritage, but you already knew that because its all I ever go on about anyway. Olly Murs! Crap me a sausage, Olly Murs! 9.44pm GMT And thats the last performance done. I dont understand why Ive been in such a good mood tonight. Im sorry. Its been weird, hasnt it? 9.43pm GMT Simon says that Fleur could win X Factor. And she could. She wont, but she could. 9.42pm GMT Im going to temper my uncharacteristic enthusiasm by saying that its the band thats exceptional during this performance. Fleur is quite good, but the band is amazing. All in all eight out of ten. 9.41pm GMT And its better than Jessie Js version. That said, the audio track at the end of Grizzly Man is better than Jessie Js version. 9.40pm GMT Fleurs singing a big band version of Bang Bang, which she sang at Judges House. Its sort of impressive, even though shes singing a completely different song to the one that the band is playing. 9.39pm GMT In the VT, Fleur goes to a premiere. Last time I went to a premiere, I heard a photographer say to a colleague Nah, dont bother, hes not famous. What Im basically saying is that I know how Fleur feels. 9.38pm GMT Finally its Fleur East, ready to not be quite as good as everyone expects, but very slightly better than most of the other contestants. At this rate, fourth place is going to be hers for the taking. 9.37pm GMT Yes, Im still trying to make I donkey a thing. Deal with it. 9.37pm GMT There are adverts on now. But, to quote Cheryl, I donkey. Im still cut up about the one-two emotional punch of no sausages and the Wagner ripoff. If Stevi sings Ghostbusters like Jedward next week, Im going to drink bleach. 9.33pm GMT Youre still She-Bangsing in our hearts, Wagner 9.32pm GMT This is the week, it seems, that the judges all turn on Stevi for not being a very good singer. Even Simon said he was horrible. And Stevi takes it all with a smile. This is pretty much the origin story of the murder-clown from this series of American Horror Story. I fear for all of us. 9.29pm GMT It finished, and Stevi remains unpunched. Ah well. Worth a shot. 9.28pm GMT Wait. Now Stevis doing She Bangs. Just like Wagner. This feels like X Factor is trying to remove Wagner from lore in a desperate Stalinist revision. If I were Wagner, Id stand up right now and start running for the studio. Run Wagner. Run as fast as you can. Run fast enough to barrel past security and punch Stevi out during his final note. Its what he deserves for ripping you off. 9.27pm GMT Mambo Number 5. Stevis doing Mambo Number 5, and hes changed the lyrics to be about the X Factor judges. Of course he is. We built this prison for ourselves, you know. 9.26pm GMT This week in the VT, Stevi introduces home video footage of himself performing in community halls. Also, STEVI IS THE SAME AGE AS ME. I dont know if Im more embarrassed for me or him. Me, probably. 9.25pm GMT And now for Stevi Ritchie. Im genuinely not sure if Im mentally or physically prepared for the next five minutes, especially given the night Im having. Someone come and hold me. 9.23pm GMT (I quite liked that too. I have no idea whats going wrong with me. Olly Murs is singing tomorrow. If Im in a good mood for that Im going to start punching myself in the eye) 9.22pm GMT Things Zack Morris does in this performance:1) Pull an unnecessarily goofy face. 9.19pm GMT Only The Young are performing that world famous big band classic I Wanna Be Like You from The Jungle Book. Its probably not as much of a world famous big band classic as Let It Go from Frozen, but itll do. 9.18pm GMT In the VT, one of Only The Young made a bad joke and Zack Morris went WUUUARGH at her. He hates being here, doesnt he? He hates it so much. 9.18pm GMT Time for Only The Young, by which I mean The Zack Morris-Looking Paul Catermole One From Only The Young and his three luckless companions. What face is Zack Morris going to pull today? My guess - a face like hes trying to contain his delight at the sight of a toddler being stung by a wasp. 9.16pm GMT Big round of applause for BrokenBiros down in the comments, who pointed out that Stereo Kicks looked like the Bullingdon Club. This is something I will never be able to unsee. 9.13pm GMT If theres an advert for sausages now, I am going to KICK OFF. 9.12pm GMT Im not sure whats going on with Simon this week. Hes gurgling like a toddler. I miss the Simon Cowell who hated the world. 9.11pm GMT But still, crap me a sausage. HEY NOW! 9.11pm GMT (In other news, that was pretty good. Id quite like Hank to win X Factor) 9.10pm GMT Well, FINE. Im singing it as Crap Me A Sausage. There, that told YOU. 9.09pm GMT Hank looks furious during this performance. Either hes channelling the spirit of the song, or he knows how heartbroken I am about the lack of sausages in his VT. Its probably the first one, because if he really cared hed have changed the words to Crap Me A Sausage. 9.08pm GMT Hanks singing Cry Me A River. Yeah, thats right Hank, cry me a river OF SAUSAGES. Cry SAUSAGES out of your EYES, Hank. I DARE you. 9.07pm GMT Hanks taking his mum to a film premiere. What a waste. He should take a PILE OF SAUSAGES to the film premiere. A PILE OF SAUSAGES. 9.06pm GMT Time for Hank Hey Now Big Package Sausage Widow Kingsley. I dont care about Hank any more. He ignored the sausages last week. He ignored them at his peril.Oh, Hank, youre Skyping your mum. BIG WOW, HANK. BIG WOW. 9.06pm GMT Simon Cowell liked the performance. That said, he only liked it on the basis that he knows some of their names. Thats it. Thats literally what it takes to qualify as a good performance these days. Boy, Im old. 9.04pm GMT So far, they havent messed it up. But then again, they only had to memorise an eighth of a two-minute song each. Thats, what, 15 seconds each? Quick, someone give them a medal. 9.02pm GMT So far, Stereo Kick are sitting on a big pyramid plinth, and doing terrible exaggerated finger-snaps that make them look as theyre trying to flick unusually sticky bogies from their hands. 9.00pm GMT Ah, they just mentioned it at the end. Whatever they were going to do, theyre doing Mack The Knife now. Lets over-scrutinise them for mistakes, shall we? 9.00pm GMT Not that theyre mentioning this in the VT, though. Theyre all I got within 300ft of Jennifer Lawrence once! and Go-kartings fun isnt it?. 8.59pm GMT Were back (again). Erect Kiosks are up now, and god knows what theyre going to sing tonight. Whatever theyd decided to perform earlier in the week was deemed problematic, so theyre going to his us with a surprise. My guess? Tequila by The Champs because its only got one word in it so theres only like a 75% chance that theyll bugger it up. 8.56pm GMT So heres one. Hope this helps. 8.55pm GMT Theres another Christmas advert on now. This ones full of sad-looking people too. You know whatd be nice? A Christmas advert with a bloke dressed up as Santa going Ho Ho Ho-ray for Superdrug. Maybe even a bit of tinsel. You know, something nice. 8.53pm GMT Jay James is thanking everyone who voted for him last week. He could have just told his mum when she came over in the week and saved a lot of trouble. 8.52pm GMT Just checked Twitter. Its literally nothing but people using the word nipslip. Ah well. Anyway, that was an unremittingly bad performance and Im pleased its finished. 8.50pm GMT Theres a burlesque dancer in the background, and theres a chance her nipple just popped out. I wasnt watching it at the time, because I was trying to think of interesting ways to say that Jay James wasnt very good. 8.49pm GMT Ah, hes singing Skype York, Skype York. Hes singing it in his grandpas suit, which would be sweet if he didnt start the song by tearing it off and flinging it at a dancer. Also, halfway through the song, everyone went HAPPY NEW YEAR, which was definitely a taunt because he knows in the new year I wont have to liveblog X Factor any more. 8.47pm GMT This week, Jays mum came to visit him and Jay silently boiled with resentment because he really prefers it when people Skype him. Real personal interaction creeps him out. 8.46pm GMT The Skypetember of my Years? Skype Work If You Can Get It? In The Skype Skype Hours of the Skypening? See? Millions. 8.46pm GMT Jay James now. Whats he going to sing? Come Skype With Me? Skype be a Lady Tonight? Mack The Skype? Skype Me A River? Skypey Weather? Ive got a million of these. 8.45pm GMT Its OK, were back. And Dermots in the audience! With a woman who is either Fleurs twin sister or the worlds most terrifying stalker. HOORAY FOR DERMOT! 8.41pm GMT Now for Matalans Christmas advert. Its just a load of people wearing scarves. YOU HEAR THAT, SAINSBURYS? YOU CAN ACTUALLY MAKE CHRISTMAS ADVERTS WHERE NOBODY WEEPS AT THE SHEER FUTILITY OF LIFE ON EARTH. Please bear that in mind for next year. 8.40pm GMT Melb and Cheryl are both calling Simon Debbie Downer. I wonder which Saturday Night Live sketch theyre going to reference next. I hope its the one about the fat man who lives in his car. 8.38pm GMT That was such a boring performance that the studio audience isnt even clapping the judges when they say nice things about her. And this is the X Factor studio audience, for crying out loud. A contestant could fall to the floor and start crying and pooing and puking in front of them and theyd whoop solidly for an hour. TL:DR Lauren might be in trouble. 8.37pm GMT Well, that just happened. 8.36pm GMT This is good, but I cant shake the sensation that this is exactly what you hear when a Dignitas clinic puts you on hold. 8.35pm GMT She is singing it on a sort of gigantic sofa-hammock, though. Thats quite cool. I hope sofa-hammocks are the new plinths. 8.35pm GMT Laurens singing Smile by Nat King Cole. Because, I guess, she smiles sometimes? See? Ive completely run out of things to say about her. 8.34pm GMT On the VT, Lauren talks to Fleur. I think this is whats going to happen on all the VTs tonight. Everyones going to talk to Fleur. Except for Jay James, obviously. Hes going to Skype her from the next room. 8.33pm GMT Anyway, now for Lauren Platt. Ive run out of things to say about Lauren, because there are only so many synonyms for competent in the English language. Sorry about that. 8.32pm GMT If you enjoyed this World War One-themed Sainsburys commercial, wait until next year when Chicken Tonight debuts an advert about the ebola outbreak. 8.31pm GMT Before this began, the narrator said that ITV was proud to present the advert. I wish theyd do this with other adverts. ITV is slightly embarrassed by this Wonga presentation, but theyre paying us and we clearly need the dough. That sort of thing. 8.29pm GMT And now an ad break. This time, its the Sainsburys Christmas ad. If I remember correctly, this advert goes on for longer than Interstellar did. Wiggle your toes during it, or youll get DVT. 8.27pm GMT Simon Cowell just backed up my thoughts about Andreas funny face. I think Simon Cowell is reading this liveblog under his desk. Simon, if youre reading this, pull on your ear. Itll just be between the two of us. 8.26pm GMT So far, Im quite enjoying this Big Band Night. Its been going for 11 minutes. This is a record, by a factor of about eight minutes. 8.25pm GMT That said, he still cant sing a song that contains an ur sound without pulling a face like a woman on a hen night vomiting up Bacardi Breezers behind a policecar outside a Wetherspoons. He should probably work on that. This sole criticism aside, that might have been my favourite of Andreas performances. 8.24pm GMT Ah, he hasnt. But you know what? This is actually rather good. The songs forced Andrea to learn the meaning of the word restraint, and hes much more bearable as a consequence. 8.23pm GMT Andreas singing Summertime. I hope he changes the lyrics to Summertime, and my beards getting itchy / I sang at a wasp, and watched it explode. 8.22pm GMT In the VT, Fleur teaches Andrea to speak like all the annoying people on Twitter. Then he does an impression of the queen and talks a lot about toilets. I think I might have eaten some bad meat earlier today. Thats the only logical explanation for this paragraph. 8.21pm GMT First to sing tonight is Andrea Faustini, ready to show the world what his back teeth look like again. Jesus Andrea, just buy a mirror or something. 8.20pm GMT Ive been meaning to mention this for weeks, but Ive got a bit obsessed with the footage that plays behind the judges as they enter the stage. Its all ridiculous Simon in a helicopter, Melb exiting a helicopter, Cheryl in a racecar but the thing I find most terrifying? The sight of Louis Walsh driving a car. Christ, imagine. 8.19pm GMT So now lets meet the judges:LOUIS! Two buttons undone 8.18pm GMT Heres my new Twitter BFF Dermot OLeary doing a lovely dance in what is admittedly a ridiculously pretty set. Hes great, isnt he? OH NO, HIS PLANS WORKING! 8.16pm GMT TONIGHT! X Factor literally has to explain what a big band is, because nobody whos willingly watching this is under the age of 14. 8.15pm GMT LAST WEEK! Louis Walsh takes the sing-off to deadlock, because when he was a baby a witch told him that snakes would pour out of his mouth if he ever made a decision, and he believed her. 8.14pm GMT ITS A CRIME! TO FACE! THIS MUSIC! 8.02pm GMT Quick disclaimer number two: Ive been promised that there will be Ben Haenow sausage calligraphy tonight. But Ive said that before, havent I? Im a fool for believing, I really am. 7.59pm GMT Quick disclaimer number one: if tonights liveblog goes a bit weird, its probably because Dermot OLeary was nice to me on Twitter this morning. Ive convinced myself that this was a deliberate ploy to throw me off my game. Sorry in advance. 7.52pm GMT Before the show starts (if you havent already), you should probably try and read Tom Lamonts brilliant interview with One Direction from today. On an unrelated note, dont forget to petition The Guardian so that I can write a similar piece about 2005s eighth-place finalist Maria Lawson. 7.43pm GMT Start spreading the news! Id like to leave today, but instead Im contractually obliged to write the X Factor liveblog for Big Band Week! Never mind.Yes, thats right! In its latest step to alienate everyone who might feasibly purchase anything recorded by its ultimate winner, X Factor has brought back Big Band Week! Its perfect for everyone young people will neither recognise or enjoy any of tonights offerings, and old people will be devastated that the songs theyve come to associate with a time of innocence and virility have been massacred by a woman with a Sideshow Bob haircut and/or Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. Tonight, we can all feel equally nonplussed as each other. X Factor has brought us together, and for this we are grateful. Continue reading...
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