Will UK entrant Molly do better than last year's Bonnie Tyler? Are France's Twin Twin the new Jedward? Will commentator Graham Norton ever replace Terry Wogan in our hearts? Find out all this and more with Stuart Heritage as he liveblogs the Eurovision final
9.04pm BST
Now SWEDEN, making a flag by getting off with a lilo.
9.04pm BST
Also, a video package that seems a bit like it came from the unseen extras package of an official Eurovison DVD that nobody ever bought.
9.02pm BST
And now we get to hear from the hosts. What's their funny shtick this year? Giving voting information as dryly as they possibly can. OH YOU CRAZY DANES.
9.00pm BST
Germany appears to have entered an accordion and a woman who goes Haw-he-haw-he-haw for a living.
The best guess I have about this singer is that someone once told her that she looks a bit like Pink, and so she dedicated her entire life to mimicking her as closely as possible. How much does she look like Pink? So much that, if she ever met Pink, Pink would laugh at her before whispering to her assistants to injure her as discreetly as possible on her behalf.
8.57pm BST
Who's next? GERMANY. They've made a flag out of a stick of rock. Which they'll then sell at great profit. Relentless capitalists, those Germans.
8.56pm BST
I hope Belarus are cooler with Conchita now, because she's wearing a very tight skirt and I'd worry about her if they tried to chase her up some stairs.
8.55pm BST
Austria's performer Conchita Wurst is a drag act who provoked Belarus into demanding that she be removed from the contest on the basis that they might accidentally find her sexy or something.
I'm rooting for Conchita, purely because she can grow a better beard than me. This song isnt especially memorable even though to the newcomer it seems as if its being performed by Russell Brand but Im pretty sure we can start a petition to have her sing the next Bond theme.
8.53pm BST
Now AUSTRIA. Making a flag out of some dresses.
8.53pm BST
Oh, but it's OK because they're on trampolines now. If this wins, let's force our entry next year to sing on a Space Hopper.
8.52pm BST
So, in short, the Greek entry sounds like the sort of thing that you hear in deserted gyms at 11am on weekdays. Apparently this lot were discovered by Perez Hilton. And just when you couldnt feel any more sorry for the poor people of Greece, right?
8.50pm BST
Next, GREECE, who made a flag that I didn't see because my laptop hilariously decided to freeze up just now.
8.50pm BST
This, though, is BERSERK. One line is Shake what your mamma gave you. Another is We will prepare for you delicious food. Not that anyone's listening because, on the right hand side of the stage, a large-breasted lady is wearing an unsupportive bra and masturbating a broom handle. It's a stroke of genius.
Can this win? I wouldnt mind too much if this won, although I fear that The Guardian might drown under the weight of articles about how sexist it is if it did.
8.47pm BST
This is better. Poland have entered a song called We Are Slavic. I for one hope it wins, if only because itll mean that the UK will next year enter a song called We Are Too Apologetic Because We Hate Ourself, or maybe Jesus, Look At The State Of Our Teeth.
8.45pm BST
Here's POLAND. They're singing their flag. And what noise does the Polish flag make? A sort of off-kilter 'ARGH', since you asked.
8.44pm BST
Following some sort of administrative cock-up, Montenegro seems to have entered one of Irelands old songs by mistake. Its a lovely liting ballad, and itll almost definitely be bludgeoned from your memory a nanosecond after it finishes by a shrieking woman in a funny hat. In fact, I cant remember how it goes and Im listening to it now. Montenegro, we barely knew you.
On the plus side, at least we know what Montenegro's version of Christopher Maloney looks like now.
8.41pm BST
Now for MONTENEGRO. Making a flag out of a jigsaw puzzle in a ballroom while they laugh at how comparative poor everyone else is.
8.40pm BST
Arams not having a great night, though. This is an inexcusably whiny ballad, and if I heard right, he seems to think that kissing turns seeds into trees. Moral: never trust Aran Cassingles sex education classes.
Graham Norton just said that Aram MP3 is a comedian. Imagine if Jason Manford represented us next year? We'd all have to go and hide in a cave for a year until the same dissipated.
8.39pm BST
This song is being performed by a man called Aram MP3. He has a long personal history when it comes to Eurovision because his father, Aram Cassingle represented Armenia 15 years ago. You see? Because an MP3 is a modern music format, and a cassingle is an older music format. Get it? Oh, whatever. I'm wasted here.
8.38pm BST
Who's next? ARMENIA. More handcrafted hipster match.com handmade flag shenanigans. Someone's going to make a flag out of a unicycle by midnight, aren't they? Bler.
8.36pm BST
Oh, how fantastic. A boy/girl duet. And, in true Eurovision tradition, there is almost zero chemistry between them. More importantly, though, what are they singing about? Somethings a miracle, but I dont think theyve said what yet. Maybe theyre talking about how the male singer has managed to balance a thimbleful of hair on top of his head like that. That seems vaguely miraculous, doesnt it?
This performance is also notable for a man playing a piano that loops around him in a giant circle. It strikes me that if another entry had rotated the piano by just five degrees, this song would turn into a hilarious off-key Les Dawson parody of itself. But nobody did. This is why I should do Eurovision next year.
8.33pm BST
Time for ROMANIA to make a flag with some explosives next to a lake. So far, all of these videos have looked like Match.com adverts. Not a compliment, by the way.
8.32pm BST
Well, isnt this very grown up? Just a piano, that hipster from earlier, and the obligatory hipster beard. Oh, and the silent storm thats apparently inside the man. Which, to be fair, is probably gastroenteritis. But whod call a Eurovision song Gastroenteritis? Thatd be madness. The lesson to take from this? Dont call a Eurovision song Gastroenteritis.
"Ask myself what comes next" he sings. My advice would be to run out and buy some Immodium so that this never happens again.
8.30pm BST
Now it's NORWAY, who has paid a hipster to handcraft a flag out of glass and paint. He's probably going to upcycle it later. I am immediately suspicious of him.
8.29pm BST
Disregard whatever I just wrote. They just did a synchronised guitar dance and now I want them to win. I want them to win quite hard. Iceland: I cannot work out your currency for the life of me, but I like your music. A bit.
8.27pm BST
Now, I like Iceland a lot. But what on Earth is this? Its like watching The Wiggles participate in a Fall Out Boy tribute band competition. The message of this song is that we should all, like, get together and be friends. Tolerance is bliss! they yell, either because they hate racial discrimination or because theyre all latent dictators who want to impose their nightmarish whims on an unsuspecting continent. Who knows?
8.26pm BST
ICELAND now. Projecting a flag onto some snow.
8.25pm BST
"Make love not war", she says at the end. Nobody's listening dear. They've all fallen asleep.
8.24pm BST
Whats going on this year? This is a song called Start A Fire, which means it should be relatively energetic. But listen to this. Its basically just a woman sighing while someone falls asleep on a piano. Listen Azerbaijan, either make a more energetic song or give this song a more appropriate name, like Watch Paint Dry or Contemplate Going To Ikea But Ultimately Think Better Of It.
8.22pm BST
Next, AZERBAIJAN! She's constructing a flag out of neon and timelapse photography. She looks awfully chuffed about it, too. She needs to learn to be less easily pleased.
8.21pm BST
What the hell is THIS? This sounds like a nightmarish version of Mambo Number 5 thats been performed on several novelty clown horns and sung by a three-year-old with a goatee that's been drawn on in mascara. I cant possibly trust a man with a beard that precise, especially since he's paired it with an untied bowtie. If you're going to spend that long getting your beard right, the least you can do is tie your poxy bowtie.
Also this is a song about Cheesecake and now I want some cheesecake. Its a no from me.
8.18pm BST
Now BELARUS. He's making his flag with hockey pucks. That's literally all there is to say about it.
8.17pm BST
Still, even in troubled times, you can always rely on Ukraine to do something entertainingly daft at Eurovision. And thats what this is. Its a woman saying Can you hear me go tick-tock? again and again, when its obvious that we can because shes saying it through her mouth through an amplified sound system. Honestly, have a bit more faith in us.
There's also a man running in a hamster wheel behind her. It's nothing we haven't seen before though. Surely if they wanted to follow a hamster theme, they could have done something new like stuffing a man's cheeks with millet or making him hide behind a sofa until people give up looking for him and he dies. See? I should have this job.
8.14pm BST
And now the songs. First up is UKRAINE! Each song is preceded by a video where the act makes their own national flag. This woman's done it with Post-It Notes. I know Ukraine's got a lot on its mind at the moment, but a bit more imagination probably wouldn't have hurt.
8.12pm BST
The judges are all being drowned out by the crowd. Hopefully this is all just early enthusiasm on the crowd's part. They'll be catatonic twelve songs in. I know I will be.
8.11pm BST
Here we go. Finally, it's time to meet the judges. I've heard one of them vomiting. You wish you could move in the sort of glittering circles I do, don't you? It's OK, you can admit it.
8.10pm BST
It's still going. What sort of unbearable sadist BEGINS a singing contest with a recap?
8.09pm BST
For some reason, the show begins with every single contestant being introduced one by one. My guess is that the producers wanted this to be like the Olympic opening ceremony. But in truth it's like playing a 15-year-old Japanese track and field-based videogame where you can't work out how to skip cut scenes and you end up stamping on it with your foot because you can't stand the sheer relentless sincerity of it all.
8.07pm BST
Just joking. The theme of the show is 'JOIN US'. In capitals. Like a zombie would say it.
Meanwhile, a really long close-up of some scaffolding. This is BRILLIANT.
8.05pm BST
And now, a short film where a variety of Danish people travel to the Eurovision arena in a variety of different vehicles past a variety of Danish landmarks. If this Eurovision Song Contest has a theme, it's commuting. Hopefully the halftime interval will be an elongated musical number about the glories of perambulated travel.
8.03pm BST
Now, last year's winner ascends an illuminated staircase into the darkness. She really is dead, isn't she? This is morbid. Happy Eurovision! Life is futile and nobody will ever accomplish anything meaningful! Woo!
8.01pm BST
We start one year ago in Malmo. A flashback. This is just like Lost. I hope it doesn't end up with everyone dead.
8.00pm BST
Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Your television belongs to Denmark now.
7.58pm BST
Get ready, Europe. The next three-and-a-half-hours are really going to be very three-and-a-half-hoursy indeed.
7.52pm BST
Seven minutes to go. If you're going to go to the toilet, go now. This is going to last for several of your Earth years.
7.43pm BST
To warm up for Eurovision, I'm watching the National Lottery quiz on BBC One for the first time ever. By doing this, I have discovered that:
1) Dale Winton has grown a beard.
7.25pm BST
But where are my manners? I havent set out the rules for a drinking game yet. I apologise. How about this drink something whenever:
* A woman yells into a wind machine.
7.11pm BST
Actually, now Im here, why not brace yourself for tonight's spanglefest by reading what happened when I interviewed Eurovision host Pilou Asbaek? (Tl;dr - he threw up everywhere). Or reading my briefing about this years competition? Or reading anything else Ive ever written, since I appear to have hijacked this entire flipping liveblog and turned it into a vehicle for my own rabid egomania? How about that? Huh? Huh?
6.59pm BST
Good evening and god aften, people of Europe! Welcome to this years Guardian Eurovision liveblog. Tonights competition comes live and direct from Copenhagen, so it only stands to reason that Ill be writing this liveblog from a tatty sofa in a block of flats quite near Catford. Its more or less the same thing. Dont break my heart. It is.
What's important is that Ill be here for you throughout tonights festivities, offering commentary on every song, every costume, every botched link, every regrettable piece of geographically-specific performance art masquerading as a halftime interval. If it happens onscreen, Ill be trying to think of something funny to say about it. And failing. And then crying. If tonight goes as well as last years competition, Ill end the evening sweating, exhausted, looking a full decade older than I actually am and teetering on the cusp of a fairly brutal emotional breakdown. Itll be fun, promise.
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| READ THE ORIGINAL POST AT www.theguardian.com |
