From hapless hijackers to vengeful Eurocrats, how closely have you been paying attention to global affairs in the past 12 months? Police recaptured Mexican drug lord Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán in January. It then emerged that the actor Sean Penn had recently farted in his presence. Describing the incident, Penn said the fart had: A subtle brume. An odorous whiff. A pungent reek. In February, Russian MPs accused Ukraine of trying to insult Russia with its choice of: Miss World contestant. Eurovision entry. Male synchronised diving team at Rio 2016. Seif Eldin Mustafa, an Egyptian forger, hijacked a Cairo-bound plane in March because he wanted to: Crash the plane into the pyramids. See whether it would land on water. Visit his ex-wife in Cyprus. In April, the head of the Chilean branch of Transparency International, a corruption watchdog, resigned because: He had set up the meeting between El Chapo and Sean Penn. He had bribed a traffic warden to let him park on a double-yellow. He was implicated in the Panama Papers corruption scandal. In May, outspoken South African opposition leader Julius Malema described the South African president, Jacob Zuma, as “umakhandakhanda”. This means: Ignoramus. One who walks like a chicken. Big head. In June, British and Italian police claimed they had caught the most-wanted people-smuggler in north Africa. But doubts were soon raised when the smuggler: Looked nothing like the man in custody. Said on Facebook that he wasn’t the man in custody. Both of the above. During the failed attempt to oust him in July, the Turkish president, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, appeared on television via which means of communication? WhatsApp voice call. FaceTime. Viber. The president of the European commission, Jean-Claude Juncker, revealed in August that he keeps a record of his enemies in a notebook he affectionately calls: Big Maurice. Little Maurice. Little Malcolm. For most of 2016, about 50,000 refugees have been stranded in roughly 50 refugee camps in Greece. The EU set aside €62m to make those camps ready for winter. By the time snow fell in September, how many had been properly “winterised”? All of them. 22. Eight. In October, the Nigerian president, Muhammadu Buhari, responded to criticism from his wife, Aisha, by saying that she belonged in: His kitchen, his living room and “the other room”. Just the kitchen. Just the “other room”, whatever that is. About 100 people gathered in Adelaide in November to discuss alleged sightings of the thylacine, which is: A rare form of plasticine, made from the thyroid gland, that is only available on eBay. A Tasmanian tiger that was declared extinct in 1986. A small sub-species of kangaroo that lives in the cellars at the Australian parliament. Adama Barrow, who was elected president of Gambia in December, previously worked in London as: A security guard at Argos. A waiter at Nando’s. A cook at the Dorchester. 12 and above. Stupendous. 11 and above. Impressive. 10 and above. Nice. 9 and above. Good job. 8 and above. Not bad. 7 and above. Decent. 6 and above. OK. 5 and above. Middling. 4 and above. Not great. 3 and above. Poor. 2 and above. Bad. 0 and above. Oh. 1 and above. Terrible. Continue reading...
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