Her Majesty has been on the throne 60 years, but all we know is that she likes corgis and hates Abu Hamza. Our columnist secretly acquires more of her opinions
Something confusing happened last week. The BBC security correspondent, Frank Gardner, went on the radio and accidentally told people something that the Queen had once thought. Apparently, it's against protocol to reveal any of the Queen's thoughts or feelings, and, if she ever shares them with you, at an informal dinner, garden party or knighting, you have to take the secret to your grave as if she's shown you her donkey ears. The BBC immediately and unreservedly apologised in obvious terror of the sovereign's wrath. This, in turn, seems odd because, by making it so clear that she'd be angry, they accidentally let the whole nation in on another of her top secret royal emotions.
What makes this even odder is that the monarchical opinion that Gardner reported is so deeply unworthy of remark: he said that she'd been "pretty upset" that Abu Hamza couldn't be arrested when he was such an obvious ne'er-do-well. In terms of controversy, this is on about the same level as "What a pity it rained on the jubilee weekend" or "That Louis Walsh seems like an odd fellow."
She's been on the throne for six decades, but we know so little about her: she likes corgis and horses, she hates Abu Hamza, and she hates people knowing that she hates Abu Hamza. I don't quite understand why. Maybe she thinks Abu Hamza is really popular. Maybe she's scared that the monarchy will be overturned if the public realise how much she despises their beloved Hamza. Maybe she thinks he's a rap star or something. Maybe she meant Monty Panesar.
I suppose the idea is that the monarch should be above political views – that must be why Prince Charles is working so hard to get all his out of his system in time. This is a democracy and so, if our unelected head of state is associated with any opinion more contentious than regret at a tsunami, people will begin to suspect that she's influencing policy. This case is a particularly juicy opportunity for republicans to moan because Gardner claimed that she communicated her displeasure at AH's continued liberty to the home secretary. That's practically ordering his arrest, they could argue. "Off with his head!" says the Queen. The fact that everyone then ignores her is hardly an argument in favour of the continued funding of the civil list.
But I think the main reason for the presumed palatial anger is that the Queen's opinions, if made public, are likely to disappoint everyone. While they're still secret, monarchists can believe that Her Majesty's head is full of wise and noble thoughts, that she gives pertinent and timely advice to stressed premiers and provides continuity and perspective. Meanwhile, her detractors can assume she's a Nazi. But the truth is likely to lie somewhere disappointingly and blandly in between – as exemplified by her views on Abu Hamza.
I decided to test my hypothesis and have spent the past few days investigating. I've been exploring the secret bars where footmen go to drink. Armed with a truth serum and the offer of unlimited Dubonnets, I've been quizzing disgraced butlers, dismissed bodyguards, ladies too long in waiting and former ambassadors from failed states. I've made a pass at the Dowager Duchess of Carnarvon and I've posed as someone offering to tarmac the King of Greece's drive. I was worried I'd be exposed but none of these people has ever seen Peep Show. And I have now compiled an exhaustive list of Her Majesty the Queen's secret opinions:
Boris Johnson is refreshingly honest
"He's not like the other politicians, is he?" the Queen apparently recently said of London's ubiquitous mayor. "He doesn't take himself too seriously." Her Majesty believes that politics has become too much about presentation and spin and that it makes a nice change to see someone a bit scruffy, who's happy to make a joke, in a position of power. She has also ventured the view that this means that it's OK for him to have affairs if he wants to.
John Humphrys interrupts people too much
An avid listener to the Today programme, what the Queen has uniquely pointed out is that John Humphrys doesn't listen properly to the people he's interviewing. "Why doesn't he let them say their piece, even if he disbelieves them!?" Her Majesty shouts at the radio every morning over the din of her breakfast bagpiper.
Tim Henman is a choker
While the tennis star's style of play greatly impressed Her Majesty, she believed that, when it came to key moments in high-pressure matches, he lacked the focus and drive to push for victory. The Queen's view was that the British player's comparatively affluent middle-class background had deprived him of the hunger that spurred his rivals on to success.
Ted Heath wasn't gay but just sort of asexual
The Queen doesn't go along with the theory that Ted Heath must have been gay. "I think sexuality is much more of a spectrum," Her Majesty often says. But Mr Heath "was different" and showed no sign of fancying either the Queen or Prince Philip which was apparently "almost unheard-of for a political leader until about 1982".
Canned laughter ruins a sitcom
"I don't need to be told when to laugh," the Queen often remarks. She thinks it's a terrible shame when perfectly good comedy programmes are ruined by intrusive and patronising laughter tracks. "You don't get audience laughter on the classic comedies like The Good Life and Upstairs, Downstairs."
Mineral water is a waste of money
The Queen never ceases to be amazed by the amount of money people waste on mineral water. "You can drink it out of the tap – what's the problem?" she has often been heard to moan to the Earl of Wessex who is seldom without an accompanying Volvic.
Terry Venables should be England manager
"I don't understand why we didn't just stick with that – it seemed to be going reasonably well," the Queen often complains when her footman brings her the latest England result, embroidered on a napkin. "All this chopping and changing is confusing. Why don't we just make him do it permanently?"
If global warming exists, how come Balmoral is so draughty?
"We could do with a bit of global warming up here, I tell you!" the Queen repeatedly jokes. "Talk to me about global warming when the Land Rover is stuck in six feet of snow." It's believed that Prince Charles did just that for several hours last January.
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