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Monday, February 10, 2014
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The 7 Worst Valentine's Day Cliches And What To Do Instead
This post originally appeared on Details.com.People get passionate on Valentine's Day — long before the evening winds down and, if all goes well, the clothes come off.
Some love the day, reveling in and dispensing as much heart-shaped, gooey sentiment as they can fit into 24 hours. Others view it as an unnecessarily pressure-ridden faux-holiday and would rather hide under the covers until the clock strikes midnight and it's officially February 15th.
If you're like us, you buy into the idea that it might be nice to do something special with your significant other, but you'd rather not go through the motions and trot out the same tired tricks. So this year, try one of our alternative ideas that'll make you look inspired, and also happen to be very easy to pull off.
1. The Cliché: Dinner at a romantic restaurant
The Alternative: Cook for your mate, you lazy b---ard
The Details: You don't have to be a genius in the kitchen to knock the socks (and other items of clothing) off your lover. In fact, it's best to avoid any complicated preparations that will unduly stress you out. In other words, keep it simple.
Hell, boil some water and make pasta. Pair that with a bottle of wine, candles, and some music (preferably what your partner would like), and you've got a setting infinitely more romantic than any restaurant crammed with lovey-dovey couples paying through the nose for a V-Day prix fixe.
If all goes well, you may find yourselves having dessert in the bedroom.
2. The Cliché: A Hallmark card
The Alternative: An onslaught of sticky notes
The Details: Save the card for Mom. The key to the sticky-note scheme is saturation: the more, the better. Put them everywhere you can think of: on the bathroom mirror, on the computer monitor, on a milk carton.
When your mate opens his/her wallet at lunch, for example, and sees a note that says "I love to kiss your lips," that's guaranteed to put you over the top on the romantic meter.
3. The Cliché: A box of chocolates
The Alternative: An unexpected aphrodisiac
The Details: There's nothing wrong with chocolate, but have you tried figs? They've been associated with sexual desire since ancient Greek and Roman times and are alleged to have been one of the favorite foods of the temptress Cleopatra.
Another sexy and sweet (and sticky) treat is honey, a.k.a. the nectar of Aphrodite, Goddess of Love (and, incidentally, the lady who aphrodisiacs were named after).
On the opposite end of the palate, try dishing up some oysters. The 18th-century Italian lover Casanova was a proponent of the oyster as a sexual aide of sorts (he supposedly ate dozens of them for breakfast), and science has since confirmed that the bivalves really do pump up the libido.
4. The Cliché: A romantic stroll
The Alternative: A romantic adventure
The Details: The variations are endless. Your options include the skinny dip (the beach works if you don't have a pool), the secluded hike (bring bug spray and a flask filled with hot chocolate or booze, or boozy hot chocolate), the rooftop stargazing journey, or the literary pub crawl (identify spots in advance where writers once lived and drank).
One word of advice: Bring a flashlight so you don't get really lost—which is not the sort of adventure you're going for.
5. The Cliché: A romantic movie
The Alternative: A burlesque show
The Details: Chick flicks are tame. VD (that's Valentine's Day) is time to get dirty. What's more, venues across the country are hosting special V-Day shows.
So whether you're in New York City, Los Angeles, Seattle, Dallas, or Chicago, you can get your fill of va-va-voom girls in pasties and double entendre-spouting hosts. (For a thorough listing of shows nationwide, visit the fantastic directory Burlesque Bitch.)
6. The Cliché: A dozen red roses
The Alternative: A 12-song playlist
The Details: In days past, giving someone a mixtape was a heartfelt gesture capable of transmitting a variety of messages too difficult to put into words. Today, cassette tapes are long gone and even CDs are looking like dinosaurs, but the mixtape lives on in the form of iTunes and Spotify playlists.
Hopefully you've got your own ideas for songs that strike the right mood, but if you need a nudge, then check out Billboard's list of the 50 Sexiest Songs of All Time.
7. The Cliché: Champagne
The Alternative: Champagne cocktails
The Details: You want bubbly because it activates the salivary glands, awakens the taste buds, and looks cool in a glass. But a regular bottle of champagne, cava, or Prosecco shows no imagination.
Instead, try cocktails like the French 75, Chandon Brut Mojito, Blood Orange Champagne Cocktail, and of course the classic Champagne Cocktail. Even better if you sip from each other's navels.
8. Bonus: The Love Poem Generator App
Simply input your beloved's name and the app instantly crafts a poem from one of its 4,294,967,296 combinations of verse. Feel a line isn't living up to your standards? Tap it and it's replaced with an alternative.
Naturally, you can share the poem via e-mail, but you can also play it aloud as read by the app's slightly creepy sexy robotic voice.iTunes; $1
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'Priceless' bronze statue of Greek god Apollo found in Gaza Strip
• Hamas officials seize statue after it appears on eBay• Doubt cast on fisherman's claim to have found item in sea
Lost for centuries, a rare bronze statue of the Greek god Apollo has mysteriously resurfaced in the Gaza Strip, only to be seized by police and vanish almost immediately from view.
Word of the remarkable find has caught the imagination of the world of archaeology, but the police cannot say when the life-sized bronze might re-emerge or where it might be put on display.
A local fisherman says he scooped the 500kg (1,100lb) god from the seabed last August, and carried it home on a donkey cart, unaware of the significance of his catch.
Others soon guessed at its importance, and the statue briefly appeared on eBay with a $500,000 (£300,000) price tag - well below its true value. Police from the Islamist group Hamas, who rule the isolated Palestinian territory, swiftly seized it and say they are investigating the affair.
Archaeologists have not been able to get their hands on the Apollo – to their great frustration- and instead must pore over a few blurred photographs of the intact deity, who is laid out incongruously on a blanket emblazoned with Smurfs.
From what they can tell, it was cast sometime between the 5th and the 1st century BC, making it at least 2,000 years old.
"It's unique. In some ways I would say it is priceless. It's like people asking what is the [value] of the painting La Gioconda [the Mona Lisa] in the Louvre museum," said Jean-Michel de Tarragon, a historian with the French Biblical and Archaeological School of Jerusalem.
"It's very, very rare to find a statue which is not in marble or in stone, but in metal," he told Reuters television.
The apparently pristine condition of the god suggested it was uncovered on land and not in the sea, he said, speculating that the true location of where it was unearthed was not revealed to avoid arguments over ownership.
"This wasn't found on the seashore or in the sea … it is very clean. No, it was [found] inland and dry," he said, adding that there were no signs of metal disfigurement or barnacles that one normally sees on items plucked from water.
Palestinian fisherman Joudat Ghrab tells a different tale. The 26-year-old father of two said he saw a human-like shape lying in shallow waters some 100 metres offshore, just north of the Egyptian-Gaza border.
At first he thought it was a badly burnt body, but when he dived down to take a closer look he realised it was a statue. He says it took him and his relatives four hours to drag the treasure ashore.
"I felt it was something gifted to me by God," Ghrab told Reuters. "My financial situation is very difficult and I am waiting for my reward."
His mother was less happy when she saw the naked Apollo carried into the house, demanding that his private parts be covered. "My mother said: 'What a disaster you have brought with you' as she looked at the huge statue," said Ghrab.
The discoloured green-brown figure shows the youthful, athletic god standing upright on two, muscular legs; he has one arm outstretched, with the palm of his hand held up.
He has compact, curly hair, and gazes out seriously at the world, one of his eyes apparently inlaid with a blue stone iris, the other just a vacant black slit.
Ghrab says he cut off one of the fingers to take to a metals expert, thinking it might have been made of gold. Unbeknownst to him, one of his brothers severed another finger for his own checks. This was melted down by a jeweller.
Family members belonging to a Hamas militia soon took charge of the statue, and at some stage the Apollo appeared on Ebay, with the seller telling the buyer to come and collect the item from Gaza.
That would have been easier said than done, however, as Gaza is virtually sealed off from the outside world, with both Israel and Egypt imposing rigid controls on access to the impoverished enclave and its 1.8 million inhabitants.
Whether any potential buyers stepped forward is not clear, but when Hamas's civilian authorities found out about the artefact, they ordered that the police seize it.
Officials at Gaza's tourism ministry told Reuters the statue would not be shown to the public until a criminal investigation is completed into who tried to sell it.
However, Ahmed al-Bursh, the ministry's director of archaeology, said he had seen it and promised that Ghrab would receive a reward once the issue was resolved.
"It is a precious treasure, an important archaeological discovery," said Bursh. Once the statue was released by police, his ministry plans to repair it and put it on show in Gaza.
"International institutions have also contacted us and have offered to help with the repair process," he said, adding that a museum in Geneva and the Louvre in Paris wanted to rent it.
Like Ghrab, Bursh said the statue had been found at sea.
The historian Tarragon said it was vital to know the true location of its discovery.
Some 5,000 years of history lie beneath the sands of the Gaza Strip, which was ruled at various times by ancient Egyptians, Philistines, Romans, Byzantines and crusaders.
Alexander the Great besieged the city and the Roman emperor Hadrian visited. However, local archaeologists have little experience to carry out any scientific digs and many sites remain buried.
Statues such as the Apollo cast would not have been held in isolation, meaning it might prove the tip of an historical iceberg, Tarragon said.
"A statue at that time was [put] in a complex, in a temple or a palace. If it was in a temple, you should have all the other artefacts of the cult [at the site]," he said, adding that he hoped Hamas appreciated its potential importance.
"There is a feeling that they could find more and more [items] linked to the statue, more and more artefacts, so this is very sensitive," he said.
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